Current mood:

drifting

Splish Splash...
Water is a refuge for me. I've come to realize this over the past few days. When I felt ill last weekend, I hopped in the shower and then later that night into a warm tub to make me feel better. Instead of hopping directly into bed to sink into an exhausted sleep, I've opted for the calm and contemplative zone of my bathtub. My morning showers are long. Too long when it's not my hot water bill. But water is where I'm finding a moment to think and to relax without the bothersomeness of the dry world.

I'm moving back and forth between feeling overwhelmed and feeling strong. I'm drifting, which is much better than abrupt and exhausting shifts between these two opposites.

Part of the reason I'm overwhelmed is definitely my fault. I've been somewhat lax this term. I opted for several weekends of social time instead of homework. Now it's catching up to me. But I'm glad I took the time to have some downtime and social time. It's something that I truly missed while up North for the summer. Now I must strike a balance so the one does not overtake the other ever again.

I'm also overwhelmed because I'm finally being challenged in some of my classes. These challenges are both enticing and frustrating for the same reasons. They all will be rewarding. But at first they were too daunting and I had too many balls in the air. Now I have a path, goals, a Plan of Attack.

The other part of my being overwhelmed is far beyond my control: Mom. Again, I've been running, hiding behind school and hiding away in Waterloo. This time I have been productive in my hiding, attacking the mountain of the semester, the summit of which I will soon reach. But all the while mom has been living out her illness. It is growing. She is... I don't want to write deteriorating because that is too callous, too close to the worst-case. No, I will say she is faltering. Her condition is drifting from being strong and steady to being tired and unsteady. She has trouble on the stairs. She has long naps and takes the Lorazapan to calm her nerves twice a day.

Today the Homecare nurse saved the day and ruined it in one fell swoop. She got the Truth. The surgeon is not doing his job. He hasn't booked the surgery. He's out of town with no word about mom and what she's supposed to do with the tumour trapped in her skull. He said "Two Weeks to a Month, tops." It has been five. It will be at least one more because there is no booking yet. So with this truth the nurse ruined everything by proving once again what a letdown the healthcare system is. Ha! "letdown" is too nice a word. All words are too nice to describe the reality:

They are killing her.


But the nurse also saved the day. Now we will stop waiting foolishly for them. Now we will look in London, Toronto, even Sudbury. Mom will get her surgery. Knowing that - and making that happen - makes me strong.