Current mood:

relieved

I figured it out...
I know my last post was incredibly emo, and I'm sorry if it shocked and worried everyone. But, I was shocked and worried myself. Still am, really.

I have been very introspective and contemplative and weepy for a few days. But I've figured some things out now.

First and foremost, I was reminded of how many people really and truly care about me. After writing that post, I crawled into Ryan's arms and cried for a while. That felt really good - both the crying and the having somebody to cry on. That night Lexx asked if I was doing ok and that made me cry, too. (Luckily it was dark and nobody had to know...) Every comment in response to my post made me cry. Kim's email and call made me cry. And thinking about Ashly and Vanessa and all my other friends who I know I can turn to made me cry. Hell - I'm crying right now.. But that's exactly what I need!!! I need for it to be ok to cry about this. I've had to be strong for my mom and also for my brother all thru this odessey. I couldn't cry because they needed somebody to tell them that this is all going to be ok. Now it's my turn to have people be strong for me, and it feels good to be surrounded by shoulders that are just waiting to be cried on.

The other thing I was reminded of is that I need to keep taking things one day at a time. I finally broke down and talked to my Dad about my concerns - mom possibly not being able to do chemo again, how we're going to get Brad here so that he can see her, that I really want to move out after I graduate but right now I feel trapped because I don't want to abandon mom and him... He put it in perspective for me - I had a fun day planned on Saturday, dinner with my family on Sunday, a day to do homework and see a Buster Keaton matinee on Monday, and AFTER all that I could worry about cancer again at the MRI on Tuesday. So instead of freaking about what's going to happen I should just enjoy all the days I have ahead of me and then face things head on when they happen. It's so easy to lose that perspective when you have all sorts of overwhelming things facing you, but that's when it's most important to maintain a day-at-a-time perspective. And that's what I'm going to continue to strive for.

I've decided something else, which is somewhat related to the day-at-a-time perspective. I am no longer going to waste my time. I am no longer going to reread my essays 10 times to make sure I don't miss a single comma splice, or attend a lecture on material that I know I've covered before. I am also not going to slack off and be lazy so that I waste my time catching up instead of learning. I am striving for balance. I am kissing my rhetoric lectures goodbye and just doing the readings & handing in the assignments on my own. I did it with three classes last term, so I know I can do it again. And I am going to stop being so anal about my essays and just do a good job of editing in one read-thru and be happy with a job well done. I need time to spend with my mom, my dad, my friends... I also need time for me. And that's what I'm striving for above all with this effort for balance.

So the tension is subsiding, as are my tears. But you can be sure that when I do need to cry, I'll ask for a shoulder.