Current mood:

confused

These days...
So the good and the bad. Here goes.

I got my first co-op rejection. I fully expect to be rejected from a few of the jobs that I applied for, given that I have no marketing experience (due to the fact that I couldn't take the marketing position at IBM last term) and any local marketing position received upwards of 60 applications! But, I was actually excited to get rejected, because that means that employers are finally setting their interview lists. Hooray! I'm looking forward to interviews, tho I already feel a little overwhelmed by how busy it's going to make me. This time I only applied to 10 jobs, tho, so I don't expect more than a handful of interviews.

I successfully posted my first issue of the Imprint through my role as Web Editor! It was a little overwhelming to teach myself how to post the paper online with the added pressure that people were really anxious to have it up that day. Plus, there's a backlog of 5 issues of the paper that haven't been posted, which I will have to get up by this time next week. But you know what? It was satisfying. Click the link above. I did that! I made that happen! It feels good.

I am a bad friend. I was supposed to make an appearance at Ashly's house last night, but after my super-long day at Imprint (I was there working non-stop from 10am until 6pm) and then my night class, which ended at 9:30pm, I was too damned tired. I still haven't called her because I'm tired of being such a bad friend and having to apologize for it. I mean, Ashly knows that my life is hectic and she never faults me for it. But, I hate the fact that I haven't seen her since before she asked me to stand with her in her wedding. I shouldn't have to make such an effort to see someone that I love so much and that I consider one of my dearest friends. Gah! I only wish I could make it up to her somehow.

*****

Ok. Now for the big news. Mom's brain tumour is back with a vengence. Her original tumour was 5cm plus the swelling. Mom's new/regenerated tumour is now 4cm and still growing and swelling. FUCK!!! We found this all out on Tuesday when we took mom to the hospital because she was acting funny again.

So I'm all fucked up again. I've been hiding in Waterloo since we found this out. I already had plans to sleep here on Wednesday so I could have some beer with the hockey game. But I stayed here again last night partly because I was tired after my long day, but also so I didn't have to go home. I'm just so tired of this cancer thing. And now that mom's cancer is back in our faces, I am once again faced with the idea that my mom may die.

I wish I still hated my mom. I went thru a few years where I really did hate her. She and I had a horrible relationship for a while and she made some serious mistakes as a parent and a person. But even before this cancer thing I had forgiven her for all that. And while our relationship still isn't perfect (we're still very different people) I love her now more than I have in a long, long time. And now that I love her and now that my family is back together and enjoying life, we get this thrown at us. I guess I got over-confident again. I just assumed that since they were doing chemo mom would be able to beat this. But the chemo doesn't fucking work and now we're running dangerously short on options. Mom is getting surgery within the next few weeks, but that's not a guarantee that the cancer will be totally removed or that it won't come back again. And mom might not be able to do any more chemo.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now??? Answer me that. This disease has been ruling my life since March and I thought I could finally have my life back. But that's not the case. It's about to get really hard again. And I really don't know if I can handle it anymore. There's been a serious tension building up in me lately and I don't know how to deal. I try to keep positive, but I don't know how to continue doing that. Besides, it's being positive that leads me to be overconfident which leads to these horrible fucking let-downs when things go wrong.

I wish my biggest problem was that I was in a fight with someone or that school was hard. But it's not. So how the fuck am I gonna get through this one?